You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep