A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
this is the news I live for
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down