Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.