hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*