{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes