You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My blood type is b hungry.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.