[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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My dad teaching me to drive
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(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot