Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.