Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.