What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Any refunds available?…
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*