Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of BraandoCommando's best tweets

@BraandoCommando : [first time picking up the tab] her: don’t forget to leave a tip me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

@BraandoCommando: doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@BraandoCommando: cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

@BraandoCommando: [driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

@BraandoCommando: her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

@BraandoCommando: Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

@BraandoCommando: me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

@BraandoCommando: me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

@BraandoCommando: Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

@BraandoCommando: her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try