@BraandoCommando

wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party

[later]

me: it’s warm in here

wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know

me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged

@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

@BraandoCommando

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

@BraandoCommando

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@BraandoCommando

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

@BraandoCommando

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road