If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Lmfao
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.