Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Bro what is this
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water