Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving
She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.