Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat