KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real