[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.