Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
choose your fighter
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”