[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Nose
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What number SPF blocks people?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.