make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You Might Also Like
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.