Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”