@BrandonEsWolf

If you want to take a date out for an expensive dinner may I suggest eating at the airport?

@BrandonEsWolf

My mom told me that whenever I use an Uber I need to make sure it’s my ride and not a random car because I could get kidnapped. And I was like “I’m a fully grown man. No one wants to kidnap me.” And she had the most mom response: “Nonsense. Anyone would be lucky to kidnap you.”

@BrandonEsWolf

A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like “I’m sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away” and without missing a beat I was like “Amanda?” and she was like “My name’s Rachel”… but imagine if I guessed her name right.

@BrandonEsWolf

ME: How fresh is the “fresh octopus”?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.

@BrandonEsWolf

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

@BrandonEsWolf

Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?