ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer