@BrassBallsCJ

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

@BrassBallsCJ

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

@BrassBallsCJ

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@BrassBallsCJ

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@BrassBallsCJ

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

@BrassBallsCJ

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.