I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am