I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
how much for the angry fruit?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Same post same
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time