*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Breakfast for Stoners:
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”