Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
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Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy