Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.