Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen