@Breadery

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

@Breadery

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

@Breadery

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

@Breadery

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

@Breadery

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

@Breadery

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

@Breadery

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.