Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.