@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet's name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
@Breadery: Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He's hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
@Breadery: I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
@Breadery: I scream. You scream. We all scream. I'm not supposed to be at this slumber party.
@Breadery: Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden.
@Breadery: Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
@Breadery: I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker.
@Breadery: When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.