“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.