@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

@Breadery

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@Breadery

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

@Breadery

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

@Breadery

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.