Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.