I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.