ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Just ordered me some pizza!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
who wore it better?