none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?