@Brentweets

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

@Brentweets

“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”

@Brentweets

“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”

@Brentweets

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

@Brentweets

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

@Brentweets

Playing Guess Who these days is hard
“Is your person white?”
“Excuse me?”
“Is your person white?”
“I don’t see skin color I just see people”

@Brentweets

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

@Brentweets

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him