Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.