I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.