I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
You Might Also Like
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I thought this was funny lol
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
what my late-night hot pocket sees
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze