NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”