I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow