Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?