I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
wtf is an acronym
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.