@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

@BringDaNoyz

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

@BringDaNoyz

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

@BringDaNoyz

*walks up to counter at funeral home*

EMPLOYEE: Can I help you?

ME: Hi, yes, I’ll take one death, please.

@BringDaNoyz

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”