Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?
I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.
*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.
I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.
I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.