My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”