I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.