I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”