Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I’m literally crying
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.