On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
2023 was just a warmup
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I support this random dude and all his protests
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
just left a huge legacy in there
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My dad.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.